A tragic yet magickal fall from grace

So freaking fed up!!!

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 06:59:29 GMT

Goddamnit. How many times must I go to bed alone? This ain't my fucking house. I don't live here. Yet every time I go to bed I'm alone. Alone alone alone. Why? Because Jeff is a fucking faggot and won't go to bed any earlier because he "never" does. Well big fucking news, I'm a guest!!! You are supposed to treat me like a guest. If we lived together, then do what you must do, but we don't. I'm here from fucking Orlando and i'm not here to be .. just...... second!

God I hate how ... unstable this relationship is. I never know what the fuck is going on and I don't get to know because he won't tell me. Well I suppose he doesn't need to tell me. I already know he's not over her and he's not that close either. I don't know why he's fuckign around with me but it's really my own fault. He is only treating me this way because I allow him to... if I valued myself more, I'd be single or with someone better. Why the hell am I still hanging onto him? I will never get what I want. We're too fucking different. I here know how to treat a guest BETTER and he doesn't.

Of course, there's the regular "he keeps fucking talking about her" and the "they keep fucking talking to each other" thing too but I can get into that later.

UGFGHGDJHDJJSGJSJGJSJS

Why can't I have a nice, problem-free relationship? Or at least, have smaller problems than this. Because I do enjoy problem-solving.. except this is killing me emotionally.

Virus of Life..

Sat, 03 Mar 2007 22:29:35 GMT

I can see you but you can't see me
I could touch you and you wouldn't even feel me
Wait a second and you'll settle down
I'm just waiting 'til you really let your guard down
You're relaxed, you're sublime, you're amazing
You don't even know the danger that you're facing
If I'm quiet, I'll slide up behind you
And if you hear me, I'll enjoy trying to find you

I've been with you all day
I'm trying to stay calm
I'm impatient and it's really hard to breathe
I'm going to empty you and fill you in with me
Just keep the violence down
Not yet - don't make a sound
Oh, God I'm feeling it
it's reaching fever pitch
My skin is caving in
My heart is driving out
No mercy, no remorse
Let nature take it's course

Watching - bring me to my knees
Waiting - I am your disease
Lover - Set my symptom free
Covered - You won't feel a thing
You can't stop me

I'm sweating through my veins
I'm trying to hold on
It's unbearable, it's almost worse for me
I'm gonna tear you apart and make you see - make you see

Watching - bring me to my knees
Waiting - I am your disease
Lover - Set my symptom free
Covered - You won't feel a thing
You can't stop me

This is the virus, the virus of life
This is inside us, the crisis, the knife
This is the virus, the virus of life
This is inside us, the crisis, the knife

It's almost time to play/it's time to be afraid
I can't control the pain/I can't control in vain
Oh God, I'm ready now/you're almost ready now
I'm gonna love you now/I'm gonna put you down
I see you in the dark/I see you all the way
I see you in the light/I see you plain as day
I wanna touch your face/I wanna touch your soul
I wanna wear your face/I wanna burn your soul

Watching - bring me to my knees
Waiting - I am your disease
Lover - Set my symptom free
Covered - You won't feel a thing
You can't stop me

This is the virus, the virus of life

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 16:09:05 GMT

Do you ever stop and think how your words affect me? Do you ever think that what you do, or what you don't do, affects me too?

You freaking selfish jerk...

Damn her

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 04:17:28 GMT

Sometimes I wonder if Jeff really loves me. Sometimes it seems like he does, sometimes it doesn't. Eleni is still in his heart; it's not fair to me to have to compete with her when she's out of the picture. It's not right for him to date me when he still has feelings for her; it's not fair to me. In normal circumstances, I wouldn't even be with him because she's still a part of him. But... I seem to have a great impact on him... that supports how I sometimes think he loves me.... and he wants to be with me enough to not tell me what I want to know until this summer, when I can't leave him... I don't know..

Like I said to him, it's like someone threw me a complex puzzle and it's mandatory to complete it, but no one gave me instructions...

Sigh... jealous again

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 00:57:02 GMT

Bah... he said he'd stop flirting!! He said, "Are you saying you love me now? :3" or whatever to that stupid Japanese chick... yes I think that's flirty... friendly flirting, but flirting nonetheless! That made me sad.

Then I saw his reply to Eleni's comment... He said that he waited for her, but she never came around. Now I feel like shit, like second, like a back-up... I fucking hate being second! Why am I never first?! I've got to ask him about that... er.. maybe tomorrow... my horoscope said not to do anything emotionally dangerous. Sigh.... this is going to kill me.. I may just ignore my horoscope and ask.. hate being second... always second, never best.... so goddamn annoying....

Since I'm in here anyway, I just wanted to mention how I feel as if something happened to have turn Jeff off? He didn't seem too physically attracted or emotionally attached to me when I came on Sunday and Monday. I don't think he loves me as much as I love him, or at least he doesn't really express it. He has mentioned that he wishes he weren't so sad so he could be more affectionate, so I'm not worrying about that part too much. But he didn't seem too interested in sex on Monday, which I find really weird and disheartening. I feel as if I am unattractive now, like we're just companions. I don't want a companionship, I want a romantic relationship...

Sigh, I just want to cry. His comment just makes me think that he still has feelings for Eleni, which I sometimes suspect already. But now I have an actual reason to suspect that. And I absolutely fucking hate being second/a back-up. I already asked him if I am a back-up and he said no, but if he was lying...

Am I moving too fast? Am I too affectionate? Too loving? Too nurturing? Am I showing my love so much that he thinks that I wouldn't leave him, thus him thinking it's alright to talk like that to other girls or something? I think I'm probably moving too fast.. but Jeff doesn't seem to have a problem with it. I really, really, really wished he expressed his thoughts and feelings more! He is like a closed book! I don't know, I'm really scared and sad and hurt right now... I think I'll bring a notebook with me to the beach, write down all of my honest thoughts and feelings, and probably cry..

I just wished I had another person to talk to about all of these fears and insecurities. I'd tell Susan, but she's hardly on, and she doesn't really like Jeff. I'd tell Mercedes, but she definitely doesn't like Jeff, nor is she sympathetic or empathetic or emotional, and... that's all I'd trust with my thoughts and feelings. Well actually I wouldn't mind talking to Chris either, but he's kinda attracted to me, so he'd be biased..

Well, at least Jeff's dreams aren't as bad when I'm with him. He still dreams of Eleni, and they're always awful. When I'm in them, it's also dark in nature, but not as dark as the other dreams that I'm not in.. so... a ray of hope for me? It's just that, if he really does still have some feelings for Eleni and is hiding them from me, do I really want to wait around on him? Do I want to voluntarily be second? Do I want to be with someone who also has another in his heart? Sighhhhhh

=(

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 01:57:42 GMT

I am so hurt and pissed off... but so hurt... I just wanna sob and slit my throat or something... decapitate myself... stab myself in the heart... something like that. God, this pain!!!

Sometimes...

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 01:39:59 GMT

I hate you Jeff. I hate you, hate you, hate you. I fucking hate you!

You don't appreciate me... none of the things I do for you. No, a "thank you" doesn't count. I bought new tires to see you. $200. I got my wheels aligned. $60. Bought a new hose. $20. I bought coolant. $25. I bought gas.. I drove over there 7 times without you helping me pay for the gas. That's half a tank each drive. Half a tank = $20. That's $140 in gas. So I spent $425, not including the $50 Final Fantasy 13 game, $50 in Valentine's Day gifts, or $15 in adult toys. That's a total of $540... on JUST YOU!!! And what do I get? "Thank you" at most.

Of course, that doesn't bother me as much as how you treat me when we argue. You call me bitch so I don't see why I'm not allowed to call you jackass. You call me heartless because I don't have the fucking gas NOR money to go see you. Are all poor people heartless then? Because sometimes they are the most generous people around! But back to the topic: every time we argue, you always have to make me more and more upset. I'm not allowed to have a conversation with you when we argue. You have to sign on and off all the time just so you can frustrate me even more. You have to ignore my calls. You still demand me to come over when I just fucking told you that I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING GAS!!! Worst of all, you always try to make me jealous. You know how to pull my strings and you do it, you fucking low, filthy jackass. I told you.. if you cheat on me, I will fucking kill you! If I don't kill you, I will kill myself!

I don't see why I should be with someone who always makes me cry...

They are so annoying!

Wed, 31 Jan 2007 18:58:03 GMT

They don't even know me, who are they to judge me? I barely speak when they are around, so how on earth would they know whether I am too criticizing or not? Unless they have actually read all of my journals (which I'm sure they haven't, because 1. they don't care, 2. LJ is friends only, and 3. no one seems to know about them), no, they have no idea how I'm criticizing or not. Whatever they consider to be criticism... they have a horribly wrong idea of what criticism is. When they have something called a mother-in-law, then they will see what criticism truly is.

To make such an accusation without any support or evidence is ludicrous.

Dark Angel

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 15:54:42 GMT

Your eyes are filled with tears
Your voice is quiet, I don't believe it
I see your lies with one glance
Your pace is shaking, I'm not deceived

Do it do it on it`s on
I see all obvious lies
Even the traces of another woman pressed on your clothes
I can't even hear your explanations anymore
more I don`t wanna more

Bye to your poision like love
I won't do this any longer
My smile like a dark angel
I won't ever give to you again (you you you)
Get lost now (you you you)

Your hands are pleading to me
Your choice is so pathetic, I don't have mercy
Your cries are heard
Your face is pitiful, I don't care

Do it do it on it`s on
I see all obvious lies
Even the traces of another woman pressed on your clothes
I can't even hear your explanations anymore
more I don`t wanna more

Bye to your poision like love
I won't do this any longer
My smile like a dark angel
I won't ever give to you again (you you you)
Get lost now (you you you)

Do it do it on it`s on
I see all obvious lies
There's no more tears shed for you
more I don`t wanna more

Bye I have no regrets, didn't you know?
You become cold in front of a breakup
Bye there are no chances now, didn't you know?
I wasn't an angel in the first place

Bye to your poision like love
I won't do this any longer
My smile like a dark angel
I won't ever give to you again (you you you)
Get lost now (you you you)

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 14:31:25 GMT

I don't know whether it's my hormones, mood swings, or your effect on me, but you are driving me crazy! I have been through such an emotional roller coaster these past few days. I was so worried about you and us yesterday. I had a feeling that you were with a female friend, and it made me worry even more when you didn't respond to my calls and text messages. Of course it doesn't comfort me any that I was right, that you were a friend. You didn't specify whether it was a guy or girl, but like you said, all of your friends are girls. Why didn't you tell me who it was, when I asked twice? That upset me so much.

Your avoidance of the question spiralled me into this.. jealous frenzy/panic. I started thinking about other things, like how you wanted to hide what Stefan did to me from Autumn. I remembered how you said you'd prefer not to know whether I was disloyal to you or not. Basically, that just tells me that if you were disloyal with me, you would hide it from me, because you'd prefer the same treatment. That scares me so much that maybe you were flirting or kissing with some other girl. Maybe even fucking her. I know we already went over the flirting thing, but you kept trying to avoid saying that you would not flirt again, which, again, worries me.

Sigh, I know that if I tell you all of this, it would displease you. I think you know that I already don't trust you, but I think reminding you of this would upset you too. It would help if you didn't try to avoiding my questions or anything, and if you would just be open and honest with me.

I don't know if this relationship could work.. I don't trust you, not enough for this to last. You can help me trust you more--if you were open and honest with me! But since you feel "embarrassed" to talk about your feelings, I can't help it. How can I, with your past behavior? I can't forget that. Forgive, but never forget. Even if I did want to start with a clean slate, it's not possible..

I wish

Fri, 19 Jan 2007 01:43:25 GMT

I wish I didn't feel this way... I wish that Jeff actually loved me... and respected me... I wish he was loyal...

I wish I didn't fall so easily..... it always hurts me in the end

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 03:25:39 GMT

LEAVE MY MAIL THE FUCK ALONE!! STOP BOTHERING ME WHEN I LEAVE THE HOUSE AND QUIT WAKING ME UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT DAMN!!!! DON'T OPEN MY DAMN MAIL AGAIN BEFORE I TEAR ALL OF YOUR MAIL OPEN AND LEAVE IT EVERYWHERE!!!!!

Applause notes

Tue, 28 Nov 2006 17:39:21 GMT

Fudge. I forgot where the hell I put my 4 applause notes.

Am I some kind of target for guys to bother?

Tue, 28 Nov 2006 17:23:12 GMT

Seriously, they won't leave me the heck alone. Ex 1 keeps calling my cell and leaving me messages on MySpace. Ex 2 keeps being mean to me on AIM. Random Hispanic/Mexican men keep staring at me at work with creepy smiles. Random older men keep whistling at me when I walk by or when I'm driving by (even if I'm wearing dorky, large clothes with glasses). Male co-worker likes to make accusations about me.

GOSHHHH. What the heck is attracting them to give me this attention.. I think I'm unconsciously sending out some kind of vibe that says, "Hey! Come annoy me!"

This really shouldn't bother me too much

Sat, 11 Nov 2006 15:55:44 GMT

Though I was pretty clingy early in the relationship... though I liked him a whole lot more than he liked me... at least I didn't fall (other than from disgrace). It wouldn't have worked out anyway, because I'm pretty sure he's back with Eleni now... maybe one day he will realize what a jerk he's been to me. I hope I get an apology one day.

Anal

Sat, 04 Nov 2006 16:14:59 GMT

dslkgjsdjgsjlgljsgljsgjw3t!!!!

My dad had my car washed and "filled" it up with gas!

First off, *I* am the only one who does anything to maintain the car, or basically anything with the car, unless I give permission to do anything beforehand. When my car gets washed, it gets washed by ME or Mike (though I doubt he'd wash my car). Wash from top to bottom, and don't air dry. That is my car washing rule! Those gas station car washes can be damaging to the paint, and my paint already sucks. I don't want any further damage.

Also, I never pay cash for gas. I always charge, because I want the tank filled to the TOP, not to a certain amount of dollars. And I need to know how many gallons that was, the price per gallon, and what my odometer read at the time so I can record everything. I "need" to record that stuff. I "need" to chart the amount of money spent on gas and how many miles per gallon I get every time I *fill* up. I just run that way.. but mostly I want to know my miles per gallon, and I CAN'T know unless I have all of that information record, twice!

Odd balance change

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 15:58:30 GMT

Okay, I'm really scared. Yesterday when I checked my checking balance, it said $405.05. Now it says $270.05. Where the hell did $135 go?? My transaction history hasn't changed... I don't think? The numbers match up, but I KNOW it said $405.05 yesterday!!

I don't know what to do! :( :(

Man I really wished that I updated my checkbook...

Yesterday, between 9:40 and 11:30 AM, I checked my checking account balance, which said $405.05. I remember this because I was pleased that my direct deposit with Publix has been established (obviously, my balance had been $200something). I remember the number because I subtracted two checks I recently wrote from the $405.05 balance and was again pleased that I'd have $250.05 left, since $250 is the minimum balance for the checking account.

I'm quite sure you're not interested with the extraneous details, but when I checked my checking balance today (I login everyday to monitor my funds; thanks for the free online banking), it says that I have $270.05, though I have NOT made any withdrawals for several days! Where did $135 go? The numbers on the history table seem to be accurate, yet my balance difference is very alarming (to me).

I can't really say what I want from this, other than some kind of explanation to why my balance suddenly changed from $405.05 to $270.05 in only one day, with no withdrawals. I would like to request my exact statement from yesterday, if that is possible. If there is some kind of error with Fairwinds, I would like it to be fixed immediately!!

Sincerely,

P.S. I would like to add that I prefer the older version of Fairwinds' online banking. I do not like the current version.

"how do i know u won't do it again?"

Thu, 07 Sep 2006 20:24:21 GMT

"you can't do this cuz i said so! waaaahh!!"

OH SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

Heart's desire

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 10:45:30 GMT

Sandy Nguyen, your Heart's Desire is 18/9
You want to be of service to the world. Your deepest satisfaction comes from knowing that you have advanced the cause of humanity.

Your ideals are of the highest order. You are a perfectionist. You strive to make the world a utopia; to make each person's lot in life better; to become perfect yourself. One of your challenges in life is to strive toward your lofty goals and at the same time recognize the good you are doing.

You like and are fascinated by people from all walks of life. Human nature is a lifelong study for you. You are highly intuitive, but not an especially good judge of character. You are a bit naive, as well, thinking perhaps that all people have the same values as you.

You dream of having the resources to immediately relieve the suffering of others, whether it is economic, physical, or psychological.

You are gifted with a good mind and a great deal of wisdom, which makes you a natural teacher, counselor, or healer.

As much as you desire to be of service to others, you also crave fame and the approval of the masses. Much of the energy you expend in life is directed toward putting yourself before an audience, most often as a salesperson whose product provides some social good; as a philanthropist; or an artist.

You are attracted to the arts as a vocation, especially as an actor, photographer, or writer. But whatever your profession, any involvement in the arts, even as a hobby, will provide you with a deep and lasting satisfaction.

Secretly, you dream of having a big impact on the world. Others may see this as egotism, especially when you are still young. But your concern for others is genuine. You must apply yourself in this direction in order to become psychologically whole and personally satisfied.

Your vision is on the crowds of people, which can cause you to overlook the needs of those closest to you. You need personal love as well, but have a tendency to put your needs in the background. Still, you are a loving person, and only need to be reminded to direct and demonstrate that love to those nearby. If, however, you are focused exclusively on the masses, people will perceive you as distant and a bit aloof.

You are emotional, and sensitive. You can also be moody and critical. You have high expectations for yourself and others. This can cause you much anger when your expectations are unfulfilled. One of your most important life lessons is to forgive.

Because you are striving hard to attain high ideals, you may think of yourself as superior to others. Arrogance is a trap many 9s fall into. The danger is that arrogance cuts you off from the thing you love the most: people.

Your happiness and contentment are therefore highly dependant on the ease with which you are able to serve and influence mankind.

It is the paradox of your Heart's Desire that you receive by giving. Both your material success and spiritual satisfaction are made possible through service and sacrifice to others.

i really really really really really really really really

Tue, 15 Aug 2006 03:08:11 GMT

really really really hate someone right now...

but it's probably not you

Sat, 08 Jul 2006 16:12:21 GMT

never remembers a fucking thing no matter how many times i repeat myself...

Damnit

Mon, 26 Jun 2006 10:59:29 GMT

I forgot that I work today. I was hoping I could sit around and mope around and sleep.

I still wish..

Mon, 26 Jun 2006 10:53:59 GMT

I feel better today.. I don't ache as much, and I don't think I'm as vulnerable to tears, but I still feel empty.

sigh,

Mon, 26 Jun 2006 03:14:49 GMT

i kinda wish somebody would walk in here and kill me..

Sun, 25 Jun 2006 04:10:21 GMT

goddddddd. why does he always do this... never respects my feelings or my wishes. what is so hard about not telling people my secret screen name? is it so difficult to realize that if i only talk to a few people on it, it means that i dont want people to know it? is that so hard to figure out?! sometimes gifted people are the STUPIDEST people EVER!

not only that, if i feel a certain way about something (i find a lot of things sacred, i cherish a lot that most dont), and he doesn't feel the same, then it's just "nothing." it "doesn't matter." what a fucking prick!! just cuz u dont feel the same way, it doesnt mean its NOTHING. its nothing to YOU, but its definitely somethign to ME. ASSHOLE!