Friday, March 16th, 2007 l 02:54 AM
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:: subject: So freaking fed up!!! | |
| Goddamnit. How many times must I go to bed alone? This ain't my fucking house. I don't live here. Yet every time I go to bed I'm alone. Alone alone alone. Why? Because Jeff is a fucking faggot and won't go to bed any earlier because he "never" does. Well big fucking news, I'm a guest!!! You are supposed to treat me like a guest. If we lived together, then do what you must do, but we don't. I'm here from fucking Orlando and i'm not here to be .. just...... second! God I hate how ... unstable this relationship is. I never know what the fuck is going on and I don't get to know because he won't tell me. Well I suppose he doesn't need to tell me. I already know he's not over her and he's not that close either. I don't know why he's fuckign around with me but it's really my own fault. He is only treating me this way because I allow him to... if I valued myself more, I'd be single or with someone better. Why the hell am I still hanging onto him? I will never get what I want. We're too fucking different. I here know how to treat a guest BETTER and he doesn't. Of course, there's the regular "he keeps fucking talking about her" and the "they keep fucking talking to each other" thing too but I can get into that later. UGFGHGDJHDJJSGJSJGJSJS Why can't I have a nice, problem-free relationship? Or at least, have smaller problems than this. Because I do enjoy problem-solving.. except this is killing me emotionally. | |
| it's a mad, mad world | |
irateSaturday, March 3rd, 2007 l 05:28 PM
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:: subject: Virus of Life.. | |
| I can see you but you can't see me I could touch you and you wouldn't even feel me Wait a second and you'll settle down I'm just waiting 'til you really let your guard down You're relaxed, you're sublime, you're amazing You don't even know the danger that you're facing If I'm quiet, I'll slide up behind you And if you hear me, I'll enjoy trying to find you I've been with you all day I'm trying to stay calm I'm impatient and it's really hard to breathe I'm going to empty you and fill you in with me Just keep the violence down Not yet - don't make a sound Oh, God I'm feeling it it's reaching fever pitch My skin is caving in My heart is driving out No mercy, no remorse Let nature take it's course Watching - bring me to my knees Waiting - I am your disease Lover - Set my symptom free Covered - You won't feel a thing You can't stop me I'm sweating through my veins I'm trying to hold on It's unbearable, it's almost worse for me I'm gonna tear you apart and make you see - make you see Watching - bring me to my knees Waiting - I am your disease Lover - Set my symptom free Covered - You won't feel a thing You can't stop me This is the virus, the virus of life This is inside us, the crisis, the knife This is the virus, the virus of life This is inside us, the crisis, the knife It's almost time to play/it's time to be afraid I can't control the pain/I can't control in vain Oh God, I'm ready now/you're almost ready now I'm gonna love you now/I'm gonna put you down I see you in the dark/I see you all the way I see you in the light/I see you plain as day I wanna touch your face/I wanna touch your soul I wanna wear your face/I wanna burn your soul Watching - bring me to my knees Waiting - I am your disease Lover - Set my symptom free Covered - You won't feel a thing You can't stop me This is the virus, the virus of life | |
| it's a mad, mad world | |
boredMonday, February 26th, 2007 l 11:08 AM
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| Do you ever stop and think how your words affect me? Do you ever think that what you do, or what you don't do, affects me too? You freaking selfish jerk... | |
| it's a mad, mad world | |
Sunday, February 25th, 2007 l 11:03 PM
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:: subject: Damn her | |
| Sometimes I wonder if Jeff really loves me. Sometimes it seems like he does, sometimes it doesn't. Eleni is still in his heart; it's not fair to me to have to compete with her when she's out of the picture. It's not right for him to date me when he still has feelings for her; it's not fair to me. In normal circumstances, I wouldn't even be with him because she's still a part of him. But... I seem to have a great impact on him... that supports how I sometimes think he loves me.... and he wants to be with me enough to not tell me what I want to know until this summer, when I can't leave him... I don't know.. Like I said to him, it's like someone threw me a complex puzzle and it's mandatory to complete it, but no one gave me instructions... | |
| it's a mad, mad world | |
Thursday, February 22nd, 2007 l 07:44 PM
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:: subject: Sigh... jealous again | |
| Bah... he said he'd stop flirting!! He said, "Are you saying you love me now? :3" or whatever to that stupid Japanese chick... yes I think that's flirty... friendly flirting, but flirting nonetheless! That made me sad. Then I saw his reply to Eleni's comment... He said that he waited for her, but she never came around. Now I feel like shit, like second, like a back-up... I fucking hate being second! Why am I never first?! I've got to ask him about that... er.. maybe tomorrow... my horoscope said not to do anything emotionally dangerous. Sigh.... this is going to kill me.. I may just ignore my horoscope and ask.. hate being second... always second, never best.... so goddamn annoying.... Since I'm in here anyway, I just wanted to mention how I feel as if something happened to have turn Jeff off? He didn't seem too physically attracted or emotionally attached to me when I came on Sunday and Monday. I don't think he loves me as much as I love him, or at least he doesn't really express it. He has mentioned that he wishes he weren't so sad so he could be more affectionate, so I'm not worrying about that part too much. But he didn't seem too interested in sex on Monday, which I find really weird and disheartening. I feel as if I am unattractive now, like we're just companions. I don't want a companionship, I want a romantic relationship... Sigh, I just want to cry. His comment just makes me think that he still has feelings for Eleni, which I sometimes suspect already. But now I have an actual reason to suspect that. And I absolutely fucking hate being second/a back-up. I already asked him if I am a back-up and he said no, but if he was lying... Am I moving too fast? Am I too affectionate? Too loving? Too nurturing? Am I showing my love so much that he thinks that I wouldn't leave him, thus him thinking it's alright to talk like that to other girls or something? I think I'm probably moving too fast.. but Jeff doesn't seem to have a problem with it. I really, really, really wished he expressed his thoughts and feelings more! He is like a closed book! I don't know, I'm really scared and sad and hurt right now... I think I'll bring a notebook with me to the beach, write down all of my honest thoughts and feelings, and probably cry.. I just wished I had another person to talk to about all of these fears and insecurities. I'd tell Susan, but she's hardly on, and she doesn't really like Jeff. I'd tell Mercedes, but she definitely doesn't like Jeff, nor is she sympathetic or empathetic or emotional, and... that's all I'd trust with my thoughts and feelings. Well actually I wouldn't mind talking to Chris either, but he's kinda attracted to me, so he'd be biased.. Well, at least Jeff's dreams aren't as bad when I'm with him. He still dreams of Eleni, and they're always awful. When I'm in them, it's also dark in nature, but not as dark as the other dreams that I'm not in.. so... a ray of hope for me? It's just that, if he really does still have some feelings for Eleni and is hiding them from me, do I really want to wait around on him? Do I want to voluntarily be second? Do I want to be with someone who also has another in his heart? Sighhhhhh | |
| it's a mad, mad world | |
Saturday, February 10th, 2007 l 08:57 PM
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:: subject: =( | |
| I am so hurt and pissed off... but so hurt... I just wanna sob and slit my throat or something... decapitate myself... stab myself in the heart... something like that. God, this pain!!! | |
| it's a mad, mad world | |
Saturday, February 10th, 2007 l 08:28 PM
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:: subject: Sometimes... | |
| I hate you Jeff. I hate you, hate you, hate you. I fucking hate you! You don't appreciate me... none of the things I do for you. No, a "thank you" doesn't count. I bought new tires to see you. $200. I got my wheels aligned. $60. Bought a new hose. $20. I bought coolant. $25. I bought gas.. I drove over there 7 times without you helping me pay for the gas. That's half a tank each drive. Half a tank = $20. That's $140 in gas. So I spent $425, not including the $50 Final Fantasy 13 game, $50 in Valentine's Day gifts, or $15 in adult toys. That's a total of $540... on JUST YOU!!! And what do I get? "Thank you" at most. Of course, that doesn't bother me as much as how you treat me when we argue. You call me bitch so I don't see why I'm not allowed to call you jackass. You call me heartless because I don't have the fucking gas NOR money to go see you. Are all poor people heartless then? Because sometimes they are the most generous people around! But back to the topic: every time we argue, you always have to make me more and more upset. I'm not allowed to have a conversation with you when we argue. You have to sign on and off all the time just so you can frustrate me even more. You have to ignore my calls. You still demand me to come over when I just fucking told you that I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING GAS!!! Worst of all, you always try to make me jealous. You know how to pull my strings and you do it, you fucking low, filthy jackass. I told you.. if you cheat on me, I will fucking kill you! If I don't kill you, I will kill myself! I don't see why I should be with someone who always makes me cry... | |
| it's a mad, mad world | |
Wednesday, January 31st, 2007 l 01:55 PM
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:: subject: They are so annoying! | |
| They don't even know me, who are they to judge me? I barely speak when they are around, so how on earth would they know whether I am too criticizing or not? Unless they have actually read all of my journals (which I'm sure they haven't, because 1. they don't care, 2. LJ is friends only, and 3. no one seems to know about them), no, they have no idea how I'm criticizing or not. Whatever they consider to be criticism... they have a horribly wrong idea of what criticism is. When they have something called a mother-in-law, then they will see what criticism truly is. To make such an accusation without any support or evidence is ludicrous. | |
| it's a mad, mad world | |
Sunday, January 21st, 2007 l 10:54 AM
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:: subject: Dark Angel | |
| Your eyes are filled with tears Your voice is quiet, I don't believe it I see your lies with one glance Your pace is shaking, I'm not deceived Do it do it on it`s on I see all obvious lies Even the traces of another woman pressed on your clothes I can't even hear your explanations anymore more I don`t wanna more Bye to your poision like love I won't do this any longer My smile like a dark angel I won't ever give to you again (you you you) Get lost now (you you you) Your hands are pleading to me Your choice is so pathetic, I don't have mercy Your cries are heard Your face is pitiful, I don't care Do it do it on it`s on I see all obvious lies Even the traces of another woman pressed on your clothes I can't even hear your explanations anymore more I don`t wanna more Bye to your poision like love I won't do this any longer My smile like a dark angel I won't ever give to you again (you you you) Get lost now (you you you) Do it do it on it`s on I see all obvious lies There's no more tears shed for you more I don`t wanna more Bye I have no regrets, didn't you know? You become cold in front of a breakup Bye there are no chances now, didn't you know? I wasn't an angel in the first place Bye to your poision like love I won't do this any longer My smile like a dark angel I won't ever give to you again (you you you) Get lost now (you you you) | |
| it's a mad, mad world | |
Thursday, December 14th, 2006 l 10:24 PM
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| LEAVE MY MAIL THE FUCK ALONE!! STOP BOTHERING ME WHEN I LEAVE THE HOUSE AND QUIT WAKING ME UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT DAMN!!!! DON'T OPEN MY DAMN MAIL AGAIN BEFORE I TEAR ALL OF YOUR MAIL OPEN AND LEAVE IT EVERYWHERE!!!!! | |
| it's a mad, mad world | |
Tuesday, November 28th, 2006 l 12:38 PM
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:: subject: Applause notes | |
| Fudge. I forgot where the hell I put my 4 applause notes. | |
| it's a mad, mad world | |
Tuesday, November 28th, 2006 l 12:17 PM
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:: subject: Am I some kind of target for guys to bother? | |
| Seriously, they won't leave me the heck alone. Ex 1 keeps calling my cell and leaving me messages on MySpace. Ex 2 keeps being mean to me on AIM. Random Hispanic/Mexican men keep staring at me at work with creepy smiles. Random older men keep whistling at me when I walk by or when I'm driving by (even if I'm wearing dorky, large clothes with glasses). Male co-worker likes to make accusations about me. GOSHHHH. What the heck is attracting them to give me this attention.. I think I'm unconsciously sending out some kind of vibe that says, "Hey! Come annoy me!" | |
| it's a mad, mad world | |
Saturday, November 11th, 2006 l 10:52 AM
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:: subject: This really shouldn't bother me too much | |
| Though I was pretty clingy early in the relationship... though I liked him a whole lot more than he liked me... at least I didn't fall (other than from disgrace). It wouldn't have worked out anyway, because I'm pretty sure he's back with Eleni now... maybe one day he will realize what a jerk he's been to me. I hope I get an apology one day. | |
| it's a mad, mad world | |
Saturday, November 4th, 2006 l 11:00 AM
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:: subject: Anal | |
| dslkgjsdjgsjlgljsgljsgjw3t!!!! My dad had my car washed and "filled" it up with gas! First off, *I* am the only one who does anything to maintain the car, or basically anything with the car, unless I give permission to do anything beforehand. When my car gets washed, it gets washed by ME or Mike (though I doubt he'd wash my car). Wash from top to bottom, and don't air dry. That is my car washing rule! Those gas station car washes can be damaging to the paint, and my paint already sucks. I don't want any further damage. Also, I never pay cash for gas. I always charge, because I want the tank filled to the TOP, not to a certain amount of dollars. And I need to know how many gallons that was, the price per gallon, and what my odometer read at the time so I can record everything. I "need" to record that stuff. I "need" to chart the amount of money spent on gas and how many miles per gallon I get every time I *fill* up. I just run that way.. but mostly I want to know my miles per gallon, and I CAN'T know unless I have all of that information record, twice! | |
| it's a mad, mad world | |
Friday, September 8th, 2006 l 11:54 AM
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:: subject: Odd balance change | |
| Okay, I'm really scared. Yesterday when I checked my checking balance, it said $405.05. Now it says $270.05. Where the hell did $135 go?? My transaction history hasn't changed... I don't think? The numbers match up, but I KNOW it said $405.05 yesterday!! I don't know what to do! :( :( Man I really wished that I updated my checkbook... ( Letter to Fairwinds ) | |
| it's a mad, mad world | |
Thursday, September 7th, 2006 l 04:23 PM
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:: subject: "how do i know u won't do it again?" | |
| "you can't do this cuz i said so! waaaahh!!" OH SHUT THE FUCK UP!! | |
| When 1 run in circles, it's a mad, mad world | |
Friday, August 25th, 2006 l 06:44 AM
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:: subject: Heart's desire | |
| ( Sample report ) | |
| it's a mad, mad world | |
Monday, August 14th, 2006 l 11:07 PM
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:: subject: i really really really really really really really really | |
| really really really hate someone right now... but it's probably not you | |
| it's a mad, mad world | |
Saturday, July 8th, 2006 l 11:55 AM
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| never remembers a fucking thing no matter how many times i repeat myself... | |
| it's a mad, mad world | |
Monday, June 26th, 2006 l 06:58 AM
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:: subject: Damnit | |
| I forgot that I work today. I was hoping I could sit around and mope around and sleep. | |
| it's a mad, mad world | |
